Lost Without You
by kjcharmed
Summary: After an off world mission goes terribly wrong Sam Carter struggles with life without Jack. After the funeral she realises that she only has one way to be with Jack again...


Chapter 1

The bathroom light flicked on as the door swung shut. This had been the same routine for the past few days. Sam would spend ages in the bathroom, washing away the pain and sorrow caused by the passing of the most precious gift in her life. She was standing at the sink wringing her hands as the water flowed freely from the taps. Her straggly hair hung limp at her shoulders as her legs struggled to hold her up. She looked up and stared into the mirror, unable to recognise the face that looked back at her. Tired eyes began to fill with tears as memories of how she used to be surfaced. Sam held onto the sink for much needed support when she looked herself straight in the eyes, forcing herself to stop crying and regain what strength she had left.

"I can do this, I can." She told herself as she stood up straighter feeling a new found energy cruise through her veins. She could feel her old self rise up from within her. Sam Carter was coming back from the darkness, finding her way back from the beaten path. As the memories of how she used to be came back to her. Memories of all of the planets she had been to while she was off world flooded her thoughts, all of the adventures, searches and battles. She rethought about it all. And the team, the one constant, the team that was no longer whole. Then her memories turned back to the one member of the team she didn't want to think about, she didn't want to think because she could take no more pain. She could feel the tears streaking down her face and she knew she could hold back no more.

Chapter 2

"Fire! Fire! Fire!"

There were gun shots coming from everywhere: left, right, ahead and behind. There seemed to be no way out and yet no one gave up hope. SG-1 _always _came out of these missions with just a few cuts and bruises, and a story to tell their grand children one day. Time was beating them as the timer on the gate continued to count down. General Hammond had to put this precaution in place to minimise the risk of Jaffa warriors gaining access to the gate. The SGC had to be protected at all costs, no Guo'ald could be able to gain the knowledge they had. 3.28 minutes. Time was fading fast and now was the moment for them to pull out all the stops, time for the grand finale. The odds were against them like never before, Jaffa flanked every side. There was only the tightest gap in the barrier of warriors now, the only exit for our heroes to escape. It was now or never. No plan was made, no discussions took place, but the decision was final. One alone was going to save the lives of the team, allowing them to get through the gate securely to the other side, and in doing so they were going to save the rest of mankind in the process.

Chapter 3

Dragging herself back into the bedroom, she wandered as if she was in a dazed. She didn't turn a light on, instead she let the darkness surround her. Sitting down on the bed she ran her hands through her hair, moving it away from her heavy eyes. She desperately needed to sleep, days had past without so much as a wink. Sighing she stared at the clock beside the bed - 11:24pm. Normally she would be miles away by now, lost in some wonderful dream, regaining rest for the next mission. Instead she was staring at the clock watching the minutes tick by, wishing them to stop, freeze forever. Tomorrow was the day of all days that she never wanted to happen, a day when the reality of the past few days become evident. As much as she prayed time didn't halt, the minutes went by one by one. Lying down on the bed she pulled the covers over her, blanketing her cold body. It was a poor replacement for the arms that once held her close at night. Tears surfaced once again as she saw his face in the darkness. Time would never heal these wounds, the pain would never fade and he would never be coming back. Sam cried herself to sleep that night, the thought of living without him finally gave way to sleep.

Chapter 4

Sam watched speechlessly as he reached into his pocket, his hand searching for something hidden inside. When he found what he was looking for he looked up at her with sadden eyes. She continued to watch as he signalled for the others to start making their way to the gate. They followed the ordered and began to move forwards. As they did so he set the plan into motion, he stood up in the centre of the circle of Jaffa and reached down for his P-90. He held it level and fired multiple shots at the Jaffa straight ahead of him. As they fell to the ground the rest of the team hurried through the gap they had left behind in the barrier. Daniel and Teal'c fired behind themselves as they ran up the ramp to the gate, Sam looked back at the scene playing out in the middle of the circle. Jack was firing around the circle, taking the Jaffa down one by one, but she knew as he did too that the bullets alone would not be enough. She reached to top of the ramp as Daniel followed Teal'c through to the other side. Sam took one last look at the man she loved sacrificing everything, he was holding onto a weapon that would save them all. Well most of them. Stepping through the gate the last thing she saw was Jack pulling out the pin from the hand grenade.

Chapter 5

Sam reached up to put the other earring in her ear, she remembered when he gave them to her; that time when he took her out for dinner. She smiled as she played the memory over in her head, she wished she could just go back to that moment, live it all again. Turning she knocked the glass on the cupboard over spilling the contents. Swearing she picked up the glass and the bottle next to it. Pouring herself another drink she took a long sip. Sam thought that the alcohol would allow her to get through the day without having to think about what was really happening, but she knew that no matter how much she drank the pain would bring her back to reality. The knock at the door forced her to down what was left of the drink, it was time to go. Opening the door Sam looked into the sore eyes of Daniel, she knew that they had been close, friends forever. He reached out for her guiding her out the door. The car journey was a blur, Sam could faintly hear Daniel talking but she was unable to comprehend a single word. The next thing that she remembered was Daniel gently shaking her. Sam woke up from the world she was in and gave Daniel a slight smile, he had been trying his hardest to comfort her over the past week. She knew that he too was hurting, more than he had ever done before, but she couldn't help but feel that she hurt so much more. The door opened and it was then that she realised, it was time to get out and face the trail before her.

Chapter 6

Stepping back through the event horizon Sam collapsed on the ramp on the other side. Daniel turned around and walked back to Sam, he knew what had happening without even asking, he knew that Jack wasn't going to let them down, he never did. Well almost never. Daniel knelt down next to Sam, taking her in his arms, she was shaking uncontrollably. She screamed out for him, like she probably would every night in her dreams from now on. Daniel sat with her for a while before helping her up and taking her back to his office. Taking her to her lab was out of the question, his things would be everywhere. Daniel knew that it didn't really matter where he took Sam there would always be some reminder of him, his mark was on everything. This was home to him. Sam sat down at the desk and that's where she stayed for hours, she didn't say a word, she just stared at nothing. Finally Daniel knew something had to be done, sitting there would not help her. She was shattered, she needed rest. General Hammond sent the order for her to be taking home, she was being given some leave. She needed time to comprehend what had happened, time to allow herself to heal. Less than an hour later Sam was escorted from the car to her front door, the journey took place in silence, she uttered not a word. All she had said since she had come back through the gate was a single word as she left Daniel's office: **"Sorry". **

Chapter 7

A week ago the whole team were out on a rescue mission, nothing out of the ordinary for them, but now things were as abnormal as any of them could have imagined. Standing beside the grave and watching the scene play out was almost too much for Sam, she just wanted to run, run far away. She would have but her feet felt like lead, she couldn't move an inch. She didn't want to be there, but at the same time she couldn't have missed one last goodbye. In her hand she held a red rose: the blood he shed for them and the heart he gave for them. She dropped the rose into the hole, there to stay with him forever, a small part of her. As it fell to the ground, raindrops fell from the sky. He would have thought it ironic, she felt his warm smile. A smile she would never feel the true warmth of again. Daniel's presence could be felt as he stepped forward to throw down a handful of dirt, it seemed so very far down. He wouldn't like the dark, being all alone; this is the thought that crossed Sam's mind every time she looked down. The weather grow gradually cooler and soon it was just Daniel and Sam and Teal'c standing beside the grave, the remains of the once most powerful team ever to grace the face of this world. Teal'c turned to leave, placing a strong hand on Sam's shoulder he said: _"He will never leave us, he will being watching over all the time." _Daniel turned to Sam as Teal'c walked away, he just looked at her and she knew all she needed to know. He was hurting, hurting so very much, he looked like he would never be the same again. Sam gazed up into his sorrowful eyes and uttered a single word: **"Sorry".**

Chapter 8

She couldn't forget the image of the gravestone, it was something she thought that she would never have to see:

"_In the most loving memory of _

_Jonathan Jack O'Neill._

_We know that you will be the angel watching over us."_

It didn't do him justice, but then again she couldn't thing of anything that would. He was so special, so unique, there would never be someone who even came close to him. He saved them countless times, he always put the lives of everyone else before his own., he sacrificed it all. Everything he had he gave to them, his time, his love and finally his life. He could give no more. She didn't know what she would do now, he gave her the purpose to risk everything that she had, he gave her the strength to overcome anything thrown at her, but now she had no purpose and no more strength. She had never felt the feelings she was feeling now and she never wanted to feel them again. Time didn't help to heal the wounds, in fact it seemed to make it worse. It just reminded her that he would not be coming back and that first the first time in her life she felt truly alone. It was then that she made her finally decision. She grabbed a pen and paper and began to write.

Chapter 9

It was not until three days after the funeral that the order was sent. Contact had tried to be made with Sam but there was never a reply, Daniel rang and rang. He thought at first that she just wanted to be alone, to gather her thoughts, but then he began to worry. His thoughts ran wild and he pushed for the ordered to be passed. Hammond agreed and the door to Sam's house was knocked down. The sight they all saw was something that they never wanted to see especially after the events of the past week, but they all realised that there was really no alternative. Daniel stepped inside the door and he couldn't help but break down. As the tears flooded from his heartache he picked up the note on the table: _Daniel. _He turned, she lay there so peaceful, so happy? The gun was on the floor alongside her, she would have suffered no more pain, it would have been quick. Daniel could only gain comfort in this fact, he didn't want her to suffer anymore, he wanted peace, that's all he ever wanted. He had lost two of his dearest friends, but he now knew that they would be united once again. He knew their love would surpass just this life, they were the key to each others souls, soul mates forever. Together again, always.

Chapter 10

Daniel had kept the note but he couldn't bring himself to actually read it. He knew she was happy now, where she wanted to be, but something had stopped him from reading her words. He felt it was time, though he thought he already knew what it would read, maybe that's he hadn't already read it. He tore into the envelope and pulled the letter out. He took a deep breath and unfolded the paper. This is what it read:

"_Daniel I don't know when you will decide it is time to read this, but I need you to know that I cannot live without him. I thought I could, but I can't. He meant everything to me and I can't just forget him and everything he did for us. He never gave up on us and I can't give up on him, not even in death. We are destined to be together and fate means for us to be reunited, I cannot defy this. You will be fine without us, you will be able to forgive yourself for letting me go, you know deep down that it was the right thing to do and for that I will forever be grateful. Daniel all I can say is: __**"Sorry" **__"._


End file.
